"Theirs not to make reply, theirs not to reason why, theirs but to do and die."

“Courage is a hard thing to figure. You can have courage based on a dumb idea or a mistake, but you’re not supposed to question adults, or your coach, or your teacher because they make the rules. Maybe they know best but maybe they don’t. It all depends on who you are, where you come from. Didn’t at least one of the six hundred guys think about giving up and joining with the other side? I mean, Valley of Death, that’s pretty salty stuff. That’s why courage is tricky. Should you always do what others tell you to do? Sometimes you might not even know why you’re doing something. I mean, any fool can have courage. But honor, that’s the real reason you either do something or you don’t. It’s who you want to be. If you die trying for something important then you have both honor and courage and that’s pretty good. I think that’s what the writer was saying; that you should try for courage and hope for honor. And maybe even pray that the people telling you what to do have some, too.”  

~ "The Blind Side" 

我多希望有一天，你會深情款款的看著我，說：

我願意用這輩子的時間償還你為我的等待。我要你永遠待在我身邊。

I witnessed the end of a great friendship yesterday. It was because of a miscommunication more than anything else. They're not talking anymore. 

I can't help but think how stupid it is for their friendship to go down because they were unable to talk to each other properly. Now, they'll never be the same ever again. Looking back at some of the stuff I've done, what happened to them was so small, so insignificant. Yet they're willing to just let their friendship go. I don't think they have any idea how much I wish I could be in their shoes and help them realize that there are lots of people out there who'd be willing to do anything to make amends with their friends over things that are much, much more serious. 

She couldn't understand how he could do this to her, his best friend, just like a certain someone else couldn't understand how I could do it to her, my best friend. And you know what? I don't know. No one knows. I guess at that moment, when things all came together, it feels necessary to do what we do. In retrospect it might be absolutely stupid and cruel, but it felt justified. And that's all it was. A feeling. An urge. Little do we know that this feeling, this urge will ruin what was probably the best thing we've ever had. 

Growing Up

Growing up. It's something we all have to go through. As kids, many of us wanted to be teens. We want to feel more independent, be able to rebel against our curfews and bed times, drive a car, and to go to the magical place called college. Then as teens, we want to become adults. We want to hold our own credit cards, be able to drink legally, be able to feel like we're doing something with our lives other than studying. I know I felt that way. 

Now, I just want to go back to the good old days where missing Arthur and Magic School Bus was the worst thing possible. I want to be able to sit there and do nothing. I want to be able to sleep early. I want to be able to rely on my parents to say "No." when I'm about to purchase something unnecessary and expensive. But most importantly of all, I just want to go home.

Now this probably has everything to do with the fact that it seems like everyone is going home but myself, but it also has to do with my realization that I've never really cherished what I had back home. I took all the convenience for granted. Walking up to Ching Da was SUCH a hassle. I took the warm weather there for granted, and when it got "cold," I'd be upset. I took my friends for granted, and now, I'm not too sure how many of my high school friends I still have. What's worse, I took my family for granted. 

I like being independent. Flying by myself to America when I was a sophomore was so badass. I felt like I could do anything. I felt so grown up being able to take care of myself, getting myself to places, making sure my luggage wasn't stolen. I felt like such a champ. In college, I get all of that, and more. I get to go to late night Harry Potter premiers, I get to eat ice cream even though it's freezing outside, I get to hold a debit card, go anywhere I want without informing my parents. I get to decide when to work and how much work I want to do. I'm in control of my life. I like that. I knew I'd like that. What I didn't know was that home sick was real. 

Home sick. When you actually look at the phrase, it'd make sense to assume that you're at home so much you're sick of it. I can understand that perfectly. What failed to register was that when you're away from home, you actually miss it. I never had a problem of not sleeping in my own bed, or not eating dinner home, or all the other stuff that makes one feel all "home-y." I never understood that. Even now, I still can't say I do. But at least now I can cherish it more, because I know what it feels like when all your friends and dorm mates are gone. When everyone is talking about how much they want to go home, or they're making plans about making a trip back home, I can't do that. When people ask me, "Where are you going?" I wish I could say "home." But I can't, and although I never thought that would be a problem, it's a huge problem. 

Growing up. It's about learning how to handle your own life when you're alone. It's about learning the difference between what you think matters, and what truly matters. It's about learning to cherish the little things that you didn't before. 

So, what now?

Most of us have seen Pirates of the Caribbean 1. The pirates were unable to enjoy their looted treasures because of they had stolen the gold from Aztec gods. After having passed that point of no return, their lives became miserable.

right now, I feel like I'm that pirate, who stands underneath the moonlight as a standing skeleton, looking at the wine flow right out of my body.

This paranoia is eating me alive. What's worse? I'm not really in the position to be complaining, because I'm the one in the wrong. So, what now?